Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
