I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize