Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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