I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
