I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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