I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
