Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
