Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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