seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
