thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
