saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
