totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
How's work?
Spinning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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