If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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