its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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