(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize