just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
