I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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