we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
