Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
