After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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