Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
