New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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