When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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