The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
