I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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