i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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