did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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