look no pants
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
