My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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