Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
