i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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