i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
