everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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