I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
