Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
