I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
