He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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