Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
