come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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