does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
