It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
