dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
