Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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