The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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