"it" just moved
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
