i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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