20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize