im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
