Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
