Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
