Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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