So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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