My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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