Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Go christen that room with your naked body.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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