our cab driver is having phone sex.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
