Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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