i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
